Prisoner Profile: The Jakarta Jackal

Former POTUS BHO "accidentally" drops the soap again

Name: Barack Hussein Obama

Known Aliases: Barry Soetoro, Barack Dunham, Barry Dunham, Barry Obama, The Honolulu Hoaxster, The Jakarta Jackal

Date of Birth: August 4^th 1961 (?)

Place of Birth: ?

Height: 6’1”

Weight: 180lbs

Eye Color: Brown

Ethnicity: ?

Nationality/Citizenship: ?

Sex/Gender: Male

Sexual Orientation: ?

Scars, Marks, and Tattoos (SMT): “Mother” tattoo on left buttock, Prince Albert piercing, numerous cigarette burn scars inflicted by spouse

Spouse: Michelle (?) Obama

Spouse’s Sex/Gender: ?

Spouse’s Sexual Orientation: ?

Children: Sasha and Malia (editor's note: last name uncertain...)

Current Residence: Riker’s Island

Previous Address: 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington, DC

Drug/Alcohol History: Lots and lots of cocaine

Modus Operandi: Bombast, pomp and circumstance, hot air, empty promises

Mental Health History: Delusions of granduer, God Complex

Notable Achievements: The first and only Nobel Peace Prize Winner to ever bomb another Nobel Peace Prize winner

Notable Quotes: "Turns out I'm really good at killing people. Didn't know that was gonna be a strong suit of mine.”

Convicting Offense(s): Conspiracy to Defraud the United States (18 U.S.C. § 371), Obstruction of Justice (18 U.S.C. §§ 1503, 1505, 1519, etc.), Making False Statements (18 U.S.C. § 1001), Misprision of Felony (18 U.S.C. § 4), Treason (18 U.S.C. § 2381)

Known Co-conspirators: James Comey, James Clapper, John Brennan, Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden