Ruth Bader Ginsberg Rises From the Grave!

My soul has returned from the depths of hell to reinhabit my earthly body just long enough to write this piece. I have spent the past five years either tumbling headlong down the bottomless pit or flailing in the lake of fire, and I thought a trip back to the realm of mortals would be a refreshing respite from being constantly taunted by the souls of millions of aborted babies. But alas, my corporeal form has decayed considerably, and I’m looking forward to being poked and prodded again by little red demons with pitchforks.

I see that Roe v. Wade was overturned only two years after I shuffled off this rotting mortal coil. So much work undone in such a short time. If only I had clung to my wretched existence for a couple more years, I could have stopped the right wing of the bench from undoing a woman’s right to choose to butcher her innocent babies. How many black children will be born now who should have instead been murdered inside their mothers’ wombs? What a horrible thing to consider—that the black community may one day be more than just a disadvantaged minority! Their numbers may very well swell to the point where they are no longer a sliver of the population. One day, they may very well share an equal portion of the political power as whites! Don’t the conservatives on the Court understand this? Abortion is how we keep blacks a minority, so we can continue convincing them they’re helpless victims who will never get ahead unless they vote for Democrats!

Margaret Sanger and I discuss this often when we’re not cursing the name of God from the fiery belly of Hades and being brutally tortured by Satan himself.

I am also dismayed to see so many Originalists on the Supreme Court. They just don’t understand that the Constitution doesn’t actually mean what it says and what the Framers meant it to say. It’s a living document; what it means is whatever we decide it means, whenever it’s politically expedient. Some call it judicial overreach—I call it good politics.

And how could the justices give that faker Donald Trump so many wins? Sixteen SCOTUS decisions in a row in his favor? It makes me wish I had dropped dead years ago so that bloviating monkey from Kenya could have picked a younger left-wing radical to take my place. But I am happy to see Ketanji Brown Jackson on the bench, even though she probably should have been aborted.

So now I, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, will again shuffle off this decomposing mortal coil and return to my flaming abode in the underworld. I wish to come back to earth again—perhaps not in this festering flesh—but regardless, I will rise from the dirt of the grave once more with hope in my dead and shriveled heart that the foolishness of this Trump era will soon be over. I hope when I return black babies will once again be purged en masse, the Constitution will be inherently meaningless, and the Supreme Court will be packed with ideological extremists.