Ingrid's Insight: Frustrated in Phoenix

Dr. Ingrid Stevenson is a world renowned clinical psychiatrist whose keen understanding of human nature has helped scores of women destroy their marriages. She is a mother to a host of felines and her hobbies include Cabernet.

Dear Ingrid,

My husband and I have been married for twenty-five years, and things have soured between us lately—and by lately, I mean the past decade or so. He doesn’t listen to me; everything I say just goes in one ear and out the other. Whenever I walk into the room with a handwritten list of things he needs to do around the house, he gets up and leaves. When I try to have a deep and meaningful conversation with him while he’s watching football, he just turns up the television volume until I leave. When he comes home from work, he just sits in his car, clutching the steering wheel, listening to the same stupid rock and roll music he grew up with. When I do finally corner him in the bathroom and explain to him everything he’s doing wrong, he won’t stop trying to defend his immature behavior. What in the world can I do to get through to this stubborn man???

Sincerely and desperately yours,

Frustrated in Phoenix

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Dear Frustrated in Phoenix,

I understand your dilemma. I more than understand it—I have lived it with every single one of my ex-husbands! You aren’t alone; you ARE NOT the first woman who has had to deal with a useless, do-nothing spouse who clings to some silly little fantasy of enjoying his life in some way, shape, or form! A husband’s duty is to make himself useful, to bottle up his emotions, and discard any ambition he may have for finding meaning in his individual existence! The advice I’m going to give you won’t work right away, but you must keep at it! If it doesn’t work at first, keep going, only stronger and stronger!

First, when your husband is watching football, snatch the remote out of his hand and turn off the television! If he tries to take it back from you, escalate the confrontation as quickly as possible until it becomes physical. Then, pretend he hurt you and play the victim. All women know how to fake cry to get what they want, so use it! Use those fake tears and hit him with some good old-fashioned guilt manipulation! Emotional blackmail is a powerful tool!

When you corner him in the bathroom, make sure he’s in the middle of doing his business so he can’t get away, and don’t just speak—turn up the volume! Raise the pitch of your voice! Become so shrill that he has no choice but to absorb every single word you’re saying! It doesn’t matter if he’s listening; what matters is that he hears you! Keep repeating yourself as loudly and as ear-splittingly as you can until you drill it into his thick skull! Tell him he has a thick skull! Tell him he needs to get his ears cleaned! You cannot allow him to think for a moment that he has the upper hand or that he is at least your equal. He isn’t! You are woman! He must hear you ROAR!!!

Leave your notes for him EVERYWHERE! One copy isn’t enough! Leave them in the pocket of every single one of his pants! Leave them on his pillow when you make him sleep on the couch! Leave notes for him in his car!

And speaking of his car, when he comes home and he’s just sitting there, take some initiative, sister! Pound on the window and scream until he has no choice but to hang his head in shame and take on his shoulders all the accumulated guilt of the patriarchy! And don’t let it bother you if the neighbors are watching! In fact, if anyone is recording you on their cellular telephones, get in their faces too! Your husband may seem embarrassed by your outburst, but he’ll secretly admire you for your domineering behavior!

In short, dear Frustrated in Phoenix, his spirit is not broken yet, and you must be the one to break it! He still thinks of himself as a young stallion; you must take that from him! Trust me, one day he will thank you for showing him your resolve by robbing him of his! Each of my ex-husbands will one day thank me for doing the same to them!

Insightfully yours,

Ingrid