Cooking With Chuck Schumer

By Senator Chuck Schumer

Every family has its traditions and my family is no different, especially when it comes to our favorite meals. For the Schumer family, our special summer treat for the backyard is one that has stood the test of time for some three generations: Grandma Schumer's Brooklyn Blood Patties. I'll never forget the first time Grandma Schumer fixed one of these delicious burgers for me, it was coincidentally the same day I got salmonella for the first of many times.

What makes these burgers so darn good is the simplicity of the ingredients, the ease of preparation, and the basic presentation. And so, without further ado, I share with you this time-honored secret family recipe.

Grandma Schumer's Brooklyn Blood Patties

Serves: Four liquor soaked guests who are too drunk to know what they're getting into

Prep Time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: N/A

Pairing Suggestion: E. Coli, Salmonella, listeria monoctyogenes, campylobacter

Ingredients:

1 lbs 80/20 ground beef (room temperature)

American cheese

Plain hamburger buns

Instructions:

1. Cough into your open palms for no longer than two minutes, long enough for your family to become concerned for your wellbeing. These should be heavy and wet coughs that coat your palms with a mucous the color of which resembles unwashed tighty whities.

2. Go to the bathroom. It should take about ten minutes before you actually begin to urinate. The pee should last between ten and twenty agonizing seconds.

3. Do not wash hands.

4. Return to kitchen and form four equal-sized hamburger patties with your bare hands.

5. Place burgers, by hand, on an unlit barbeque grill.

6. Place one slice of American cheese, by hand, on each patty.

7. Pose for a ghoulish photo-op, make certain to be completely devoid of any semblance of self-awareness.

8. Serve each patty on a plain bun.

9. Enjoy!

   
   

   

   Senator Schumer doubles over in sweet sweet bliss after only one bite of a Brooklyn Blood Patty.

   
   

Editor's note: Chuck Schumer was rushed to the ER immediately after finishing this article.