Cooking With a Feminist

By Agnes Filmore

When I and my disabled non-binary life partner were hiking the arid plains of Tuscany, we came across a tiny and welcoming village where the open minded and inclusive townspeople treated us immediately like family. It had been a long and arduous journey through the swamps and steppes of central Romania, especially after having spent many hours over many miles pushing my life partner, Hortence, up the hills and slopes in her wheelchair. She would pass away shortly after the trip from a terminal case of pseudotumor cerebri, an affliction common among big beautiful queens. She was very heavy.

It was in this tiny hamlet that an old woman taught me her secret family recipe for Velouté de Fumé Porcine aux Méduse en Croute. The meal warmed my and Hortence's hearts. We ended up having to stay an additional two days from a completely unrelated bout of gastroenteritis.

And so, to honor the memory of my beloved Hortence, I am sharing this lovely recipe with all of you.

Velouté de Fumé Porcine aux Méduse en Croute

("Smoked Pork Velouté with Jellyfish Pastry Garnish")

A contemporary deconstruction of forgotten coastal traditions, reimagined with molecular finesse.

Serves: 2 discerning palates (or one masochist with a death wish)

Prep Time: 25 minutes

Cook Time: 90 minutes

Pairing Suggestion: A tepid glass of expired almond liqueur

Ingredients:

For the Velouté:

• 1 pig’s trotter, lightly charred and brined in seawater overnight

• ½ cup durian purée (preferably overripe)

• 1 tbsp clam juice (room temperature, unfiltered)

• 2 tbsp mayonnaise (store-brand, sun-warmed)

• 3 pickled eggs, quartered

• 1 tsp powdered shrimp shell (finely crushed)

• 1 cup warm banana milk

• Dash of imitation crab extract

For the Pastry Garnish:

• 1 sheet raw phyllo dough

• 1 preserved jellyfish (drained, not rinsed)

• 1 tbsp fermented garlic paste

• Drizzle of blackstrap molasses

• Crushed anchovy biscotti (for texture)

To Finish:

• Freeze-dried sauerkraut confetti

• Essence of beet (just the smell, wafted over dish)

• Whisper of ranch vapor (infused via atomizer)

Instructions:

1. Prepare the Velouté Base In a small saucepan, gently simmer the pig’s trotter with banana milk and clam juice until the kitchen begins to protest. Skim off any hope. Add the durian purée, shrimp shell powder, and mayo in quick succession, whisking violently until a dense, beige foam forms. Fold in pickled egg quarters and remove from heat. Let rest under a damp sock.

2. Construct the Jellyfish Garnish Lay out your phyllo dough and spread a liberal smear of fermented garlic paste across its surface. Center the jellyfish like a crown jewel, then wrap delicately into a loose parcel. Paint the outside with molasses and sprinkle anchovy biscotti crumbles liberally, as though punishing the dough for its complicity. Bake at 200°F for exactly 66 minutes, or until the smell reaches the neighbors.

3. Assemble the Dish Spoon the velouté into chilled ashtrays (or shallow ramekins, if you're bourgeois). Top with the jellyfish parcel. Finish with a scattering of freeze-dried sauerkraut confetti. For added refinement, spritz the air above the dish with beet essence while whispering a curse in French. Mist ranch vapor over the dish as the final indignity.

4. Throw it in the trash (editor's note).

Tasting Notes:

The interplay of brine, funk, and artificial sweetness creates a bold, almost punitive experience that challenges Western palates and common decency alike. The texture—somewhere between mucilage and regret—is elevated by the subtle crunch of anchovy-laced shards.